Portrait 1: An Introduction

I took this selfie about 18 months after calling for help.

My name is Mike. I have depression. I am suicidal. And I tell my story because I hope it will help someone else like me.

The story I want to tell begins in 2019. I had been working 65 hours or more in a factory every week for a decade. I had been in an abusive relationship for years. I was overweight, and I was depressed, and I was starting over. Finally - after she tried to murder me, and after I later almost killed myself - I was starting over.

I wasn’t ready for therapy, though. I couldn’t find medications that helped. Every time I could muster the energy, I’d try a new approach to managing the depression and anxiety from my PTSD. One day, I read a study that said spending at least two hours in green spaces each week helps relieve symptoms of depression. I searched online and found a park 20 minutes away. That weekend, I went for a walk. I didn’t bring water or snacks. I wore completely inappropriate clothing. I did almost everything wrong - but I had gone out and tried something that day.

I was walking on a very heavily trafficked trail, but I didn’t see anyone that day. I was alone with my thoughts and my feelings. It was scary. I wound up meandering through the park until I had walked every inch of trail. After a few hours, I found myself back at my car, feeling a little different. I felt just a little lighter.

The elevated mood stuck with me for a few days. I didn’t rush home and don a party hat. But it was less of a struggle to get out of bed the next day. I took a shower. I made food. And that was a victory. I decided I would hike at least two hours each week, like I had read. Two hours became four, which became six, which became an obsession. The more I hiked, the better I felt. I had spent so much time on the concrete floors of factories that I’d completely forgotten what it’s like to be outside. I remember seeing an acorn, perfectly intact, sitting in a parking lot by a trailhead. I marveled at an acorn without being able to recall the last time I had seen one. Then I spent the next several hours hiking among the trees and the squirrels, along a stream and into the wind. That day, I realized that my life was changed.

The story I want to tell begins in 2019. I do not know when it ends. I hope you come along with me as I hike through parks, adventure through wilderness, and talk to as many strangers as I can find. And if I’m really lucky, I’ll get to pet a few trail dogs along the way.